The First Time I Showed My Vulnerability and It Changed My Life
Ever since I was a kid, I have never once thought of showing anyone my feeling. I was never taught to do so, and even worse, I was taught otherwise that being vulnerable is being weak. However, when I studied medicine in Japan, everything changed.
That time I was in my third year of medical school. It was a tough time because I had to pass CBT (Computer-Based Exam) and OSCE (Objective Structured Clinical Examination) to become a fourth-year student and to practice medical clerkship in a hospital. I did not find CBT as excruciating difficult compared to my first and second-year anatomy final exam, but it still required a lot of hard work. I passed the exam, but the score was a bit lower than I expected (now that I think about it, it was fairly good). After that disappointment, OSCE was coming.
While other people were chill about OCSE, I was practicing the medical examination as if my life depended on it. I practiced to the point of burning out and started to have migraines, which later became chronic. Then one day, I finally had a mental breakdown.
‘I can’t go on like this. if I break myself like this every time I have a big exam, I’ll go insane. But if I don’t work hard, what if I couldn’t perform well and got disappointed by my score like my CBT or ever worse, I couldn’t even pass the exam?! But… But… But…!!’
I realized that if I didn’t let it out to someone now, my life would become a cycle of working hard, burning out, having a mental breakdown, and then working hard again. I would be miserable for the rest of my life.
So I, for the very first time, run to one of my friend’s room nearby (we lived in a dorm). She is a kind person, but we were not closed friends. But, there was one time we unintentionally hung out alone together in a park (because other people could not come). I told her that I didn’t like hanging out with just one person and that I rather hung out in a group of three or more. She asked me something like:
‘Why don’t you like it? For me, I prefer it because that way we can talk and I can understand them better. Don’t you want to know more about your friend?’
That line hit me hard.
And that is why I chose her to listen to my problem.
Back to my first vulnerability, after I knocked her door, she opened it and asked me what happened. I could not even answer her and just bursted out crying as if I was born again. I told her everything - my disappointment in CBT score, how hard I practiced for OSCE, and the burn out. She listened silently and opened-heartedly. After that, she suggested me what to do. Honestly, it was not a mind-blowing advices, but having a conversation about my feelings and having someone to remind me that ‘we’re in this together’ made my burden felt so light and I could be hopeful again.
That experience taught me that it is so important to be vulnerable to someone. It does not have to be everyone that you show your vulnerability to, but there should be at least one person you trust and share it with. It does not make you look weak, but it makes you human. It shows other people that you allow them into your life.
From that time on, I and my friend became closer than ever before. Also, it was my first step to become a different person whom the me in high-school would never imagine I could be.
